Breaking news today from a Hollywood insider that Michael Moore may be buying the screen rights to a story on the Irish claim to Auchentoshan. This unnamed Hollywood insider is quoted as saying “this is a story that will rock the very foundations of the Scottish Whisky Association”.
It’s been long suspected that Auchentoshan and surrounding area were part of Ireland and, in fact, still are. It’s also been said that the Scottish Whisky Association (SWA) has had a history of bullying, suppression, possible buggery and much more (Glen Breton as example). Other non-credible unnamed sources have clearly stated that Dan Brown may be considering writing this sure-to-be-best-selling novel.
To back up the Irish claim to the distillery, the following are the facts and they are undisputed:
1) 500 AD Irish Missionaries return from the Mediterranean region with the knowledge of distillation.
2) 590-600 AD An Irish monk named Mirren, now referred to as Saint Mirren, founded a religious order on the future site of Paisley Abbey very near Auchentoshan. His mission was to save and educate the Scottish heathens in the ways of life and double distillation.
3) 1245 AD The Irish Priory on the site of an old Celtic church founded by Saint Mirren was upgraded to an Abbey, which it remains to this day, the Paisley Abbey.
4) 1516 AD Paisley Abbey, to increase revenues, allows the land where Auchentoshan stands today to be used for unlicensed double distilling. The Irish still retain the secret of triple distillation.
5) March 17, 1817 AD John Bullock & Co. takes control of the land and in 1823 builds a licensed distillery named Duntocher. Duntocher translated (Dun / Tair) from Irish Gaeilge to English means closed fort of the wretched, or prison. Convicted Irish Criminals, called Cons, were conscripted from a town named Leap in County Cork. These short-statured people were referred to as ‘the Cons from Leap’, or simply as ‘Leaprecons’. These Leaprecons, with exceptional long life spans (due to drinking triple distilled whisky) and knowledge of the secret art of triple distillation, were forced to work in the production of whisky.
6) 1830 AD A group of Scottish distillers form with a mandate to; control whisky production, learn the secret art of triple distillation and move the Irish out. This group would later be called SWA. This dark period in time is called the ‘Great Purge’.
7) Friday June 13, 1834 AD John Bullock & Co., under great pressure from the SWA, was forced to dispose of the Duntocher Distillery to Alexander Filshie, a member of the SWA. The Irish prisoners are dealt with and the Distillery is quickly renamed Auchentoshan. Auchentoshan translated (Acht / Tost / Am) from Irish Gaeilge to English means ‘the act of silence over time’. Most Leaprecons buried their valuables and fled for their lives. Rumors say that what few Leaprecons survived the time of the great purge ended up in Campbeltown, captured and forced by the locals to apply their secret art of triple distillation at Springbank.
8) 1940 AD A team of archeologists digging in the corner of the field at Auchentoshan uncover metal pots containing very valuable items, some say treasure. Before the removal process could begin the site was supposedly bombed by the German Luftwaffe. No witnesses can testify to this event, other than hearing loud explosions at night and seeing what could have been SWA employees leaving town. The site of this archeological dig is now under water and serves as the cooling plant for the Distillery.
9) 2008 AD The distillery sold a three sided water container with the word ‘distillation’ on all three sides misspelled with the word ‘distellation’. As we all know, Latin was the preferred language of the Irish monks, and ‘distell’ in Latin means to tell god. We understand the author of the misspelled word may work at the Abbey and may be trying to right the injustice done to the Leaprecons and bring to light the possible bad deeds of the SWA.
As a testament to the fallen Leaprecons, we honor them on Saint Patrick’s Day with a tasting of four different expressions of (Irish) Auchentoshan.
50 YEAR OLD APRIL 15, 1957 – JULY 17, 2007 49.1 % ABV BOTTLE # 45 OF 144
132 GALLONS OF NEW SPIRIT FILLED AT 68 % ABV IN AN OLOROSO CASK #480 AND MATURED IN WAREHOUSE NUMBER THREE (thank you to Andrew Ferguson at KWM for the wee sample)
NOSE: Floral. Marzipan, slight hint of cheese and raisins.
TASTE: Chewy butterscotch, oranges and pecans.
FINISH: Medium. Tart and lingering.
ASSESSMENT: Its ok…but for fifty it’s just not nifty. Sure the old who are not strong do not whither, but they don’t taste any better.
50 YEAR OLD APRIL 15, 1957 – DECEMBER 12, 2007 46.8 % ABV BOTTLE # 157 OF 171
132 GALLONS OF NEW SPIRIT FILLED AT 68 % ABV IN AN OLOROSO CASK #479 AND MATURED IN WAREHOUSE NUMBER THREE (thank you to Andrew Ferguson at KWM for the ample sample)
NOSE: Toffee and eucalyptus are battling it out at the start, giving way to cherries and some ripe oranges.
TASTE: Little tart at the beginning then it totally transforms to creamy butterscotch. WOW! Chocolate, melons, citrus fruits and a little black liquorice.
FINISH: long and warming at the end.
ASSESSMENT: Much lighter in color than cask # 480 .Taste this, and be henceforth among the gods thyself, (Thanks Milton) it’s that good
28 YEAR OLD HOGSHEAD CASK # 1115 47.5 % ABV BOTTLE # 143 OF 156 CSN CALGARY EXCLUSIVE.
NOSE: Toffee, honeydew melon, cherries and menthol.
TASTE: Butterscotch overload. Chocolate and marmalade jam.
FINISH: Medium to long.
ASSESSMENT: What an outstanding cask. The light triple distilled spirits pick up almost a sherry type influence from the wood interaction. Was told back in 2006 that they only purchased half the cask. Hard to believe they still have some bottles left in 2011.
30 YEAR OLD BOURBON CASK MATURED / NORTH AMERICAN OAK 53.4 % ABV BOTTLE # 320 OF 480
NOSE: Kentucky bourbon sweet. Bit of varnish, cherries and oranges.
TASTE: Spice, almonds and oily buttery notes at the back end.
FINISH: Medium. Drying.
ASSESSMENT: This really has a new bourbon favor to it. Let the Bourbon take hold and find yourself floating like a leaf down the Cahulawassee River whilst the genetically compromised hill people gently serenade you with Banjo music from the surrounding hills.
What does the world want as reparation? Well…first they want the Scottish Whisky Association to formally thank the Irish for sharing and teaching them the art of distillation. Second…they want a formal apology to Glen Breton for taking them to court and wasting their valuable time and money. Lastly…we would have the use of the Diageo (Head of the SWA) corporate jet for a week to allow the ATW Associates & Friends to visit Scotland and pay homage to the fallen Leaprecons.
CREDO ELVEM ETIAM VIVERE – THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE
Happy St. Patty’s Day, all!
Will wash and wax for heels. Especially that second ’57. Sounds amazing.
Ahem, let me clarify…”will wash and wax” CARS for heels.